If that was your dad, he is hot
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
