I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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