Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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