Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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