i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
