she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
