oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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