While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
