i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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