And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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