Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
