I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
