I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
