every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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