I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
