Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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