don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
