Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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