This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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