I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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