....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
