I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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