Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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