you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
we should paint friendship bongs
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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