so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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