i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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