I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
