Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
