Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
