is your mom at the bar?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
