I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
