i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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