Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i already hear my dad disowning me
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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