do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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