Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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