she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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