took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
someone owes me an orgasm
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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