we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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