Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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