She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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