I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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