Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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