why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
