I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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