I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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