And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
