hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
