i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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