Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
