Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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