Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
