yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
